Why Avoidant Daters Push Away What They Want the Most

Avoidant daters have a deep conflict between love and fear.

If you have a more secure or anxious attachment style, understanding the behavior of someone with an avoidant attachment can feel like a mystery.

Why would someone actively push away the love and connection they seem to want?

It’s hard to relate when you’re in touch with your need for connection. But for those who lean toward avoidant attachment, the inner conflict between desiring love and fearing it runs deep.

Let’s shed some light on what’s really going on beneath the surface for avoidantly attached individuals.

At the Core: A Desire for Love and Acceptance

At the heart of every human being—yes, even those with avoidant tendencies—is a deep desire to be loved and accepted. This universal need doesn’t disappear for avoidantly attached individuals; instead, it’s often suppressed or distorted by fears and coping mechanisms developed during childhood.

Why Avoidant Individuals Push Away Love and Connection

1️⃣ Closeness Feels Like a Loss of Independence
For avoidantly attached people, emotional closeness can feel threatening. They often associate intimacy with losing their independence or control.

Why This Happens:

• These individuals may have grown up in environments where relying on others emotionally felt unsafe or untrustworthy.

• Their childhood coping mechanism of self-reliance becomes a barrier to vulnerability in adult relationships.

2️⃣ Emotions Are Overwhelming
Emotional intimacy often triggers discomfort for avoidantly attached people because they may not have learned how to process or express emotions growing up.

What This Looks Like:

• A tendency to distance themselves emotionally in relationships.

• A preference for keeping things light or surface-level to avoid the discomfort of emotional closeness.

3️⃣ Deep-Seated Beliefs About Love
Beneath the surface, avoidantly attached individuals may struggle with negative beliefs about love, such as:

• “I’m unworthy of love.”

• “People will eventually leave or disappoint me.”

How This Affects Relationships:
To protect themselves from anticipated hurt, they push others away before intimacy grows too deep.

4️⃣ Fear of Rejection
The fear of rejection or abandonment makes it difficult for avoidantly attached people to fully invest in relationships.

Why They Keep People at Arm’s Length:

• By maintaining emotional distance, they shield themselves from the potential pain of rejection or loss.

• They avoid situations where their vulnerability could lead to hurt, even if it means missing out on genuine connection.

How Avoidantly Attached Individuals Can Resolve This Inner Conflict

The solution may seem simple—work through the fears. But for someone with avoidant tendencies, this process requires intentional healing and rewiring of deep-seated beliefs.

Steps Toward Growth:

1️⃣ Acknowledge the Inner Conflict: Recognize the push-pull dynamic between wanting love and fearing it.

2️⃣ Learn to Sit With Emotions: Practice tolerating emotional closeness and processing feelings in safe, supportive environments.

3️⃣ Challenge Negative Beliefs: Reframe thoughts like “I’m unworthy of love” or “People will always disappoint me” into healthier, more empowering beliefs.

4️⃣ Seek Support: Healing avoidant tendencies is much easier with tools and guidance designed to address these patterns.

How Energy Healing Can Help

One of the most effective ways I’ve found to work through avoidant tendencies is energy healing. This powerful tool helps to:

• Rewire negative beliefs around intimacy and connection.

• Release fears of rejection and abandonment.

• Create space for vulnerability and genuine emotional connection.

As someone who has personally worked through avoidant tendencies using energy healing, I now help my clients do the same.

Ready to Rewire Your Relationship Patterns?

If you’re ready to resolve the inner conflict between love and fear, I can help. My 1:1 energy healing sessions are designed to help you move beyond avoidance and step into healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

Tap the button below to learn more about energy healing and schedule a free consultation.