The Hidden Avoidance at the Root of Anxious Attachment

Anxious and avoidant daters have a lot in common.

If you’re anxiously attached, avoidantly attached partners can feel like the villains in your life.

You crave closeness and connection, while they seem to push you away at every turn. It’s a dynamic that can leave you feeling frustrated, hurt, and confused.

But what if there’s more to the story?

Even though it seems like all you want is intimacy and closeness, there’s often a hidden avoidant part of yourself that draws you back to avoidantly attached partners again and again.

The truth? Those of us with anxious attachment styles share more in common with avoidant partners than we realize.

Let’s dive into the subconscious dynamics behind anxious attachment and uncover the hidden avoidance at its root.

1. Avoidance of True Vulnerability

As anxiously attached individuals, we crave intimacy but also fear rejection or abandonment.

What This Looks Like:

• Seeking reassurance or attention to feel secure in the relationship.

• Avoiding full emotional openness, such as hiding true feelings, needs, or flaws, out of fear they might push the other person away.

The Connection to Avoidant Partners:

This fear of vulnerability mirrors the avoidant partner’s reluctance to fully open up, highlighting a shared struggle with emotional exposure.

2. Avoidance of Abandonment Pain

Anxiously attached individuals often cling to relationships—even unhealthy ones—to avoid the pain of separation or rejection.

What This Looks Like:

• Ignoring red flags or tolerating mistreatment to maintain the connection.

• Staying in relationships that don’t serve you because the thought of being alone feels unbearable.

The Connection to Avoidant Partners:

While avoidant partners push away to protect themselves from emotional pain, anxiously attached individuals hold on tightly to avoid the same hurt, creating a cycle of mutual avoidance.

3. Avoidance of Conflict

To keep the relationship intact, anxiously attached individuals often suppress their true feelings or avoid difficult conversations.

What This Looks Like:

• Fearing that expressing unhappiness or unmet needs will lead to conflict or rejection.

• Choosing silence over speaking up, even when the relationship feels one-sided or unbalanced.

The Connection to Avoidant Partners:

Both attachment styles struggle to navigate conflict—avoident partners withdraw, while anxiously attached individuals minimize their needs to avoid rocking the boat.

4. Avoidance of Self-Exploration

Anxious attachment often involves a hyper-focus on the other person, leaving little room to explore your own needs, desires, and growth.

What This Looks Like:

• Prioritizing your partner’s emotions and behaviors over your own well-being.

• Using the relationship as a distraction from facing deeper wounds, insecurities, or fears.

The Connection to Avoidant Partners:

This hyper-focus on achieving closeness can mask deeper compatibility issues, such as mismatched values or unaddressed doubts about the relationship.

A Key Takeaway

If you recognize yourself in these patterns, it’s important to approach this realization with compassion, not judgment.

By understanding the hidden avoidance at the root of anxious attachment, you can also begin to extend empathy to avoidant partners. After all, both attachment styles stem from similar fears and wounds.

And when we offer more empathy to others, we naturally extend that same compassion to ourselves.

How to Rewrite Anxious and Avoidant Tendencies

If these patterns feel familiar, know that change is possible. Healing insecure attachment begins with recognizing the subconscious dynamics at play and working to rewrite them.

Steps to Begin Healing:

1️⃣ Acknowledge the Patterns: Recognize how avoidance plays a role in your anxious attachment tendencies.

2️⃣ Cultivate Self-Awareness: Take time to explore your own needs, values, and emotions outside of the relationship.

3️⃣ Practice Vulnerability: Begin opening up emotionally in safe, supportive environments to build trust and resilience.

4️⃣ Seek Support: Work with a professional to address the deeper wounds and beliefs fueling these patterns.

Need Help Rewriting Your Attachment Style?

In my 1:1 sessions, I help clients release the subconscious energies and rewire the negative beliefs that fuel insecure attachment. Together, we’ll create space for the healthy, fulfilling love you crave.

Tap the button below to learn more and schedule a free consultation.