Why We Keep Going Back to Manipulative Partners Even When We Know Better

Jan 8

Whether you’re watching someone repeatedly return to an ex who’s a master guilt-tripper, or you find yourself caught in the same cycle with a manipulative partner, it’s easy to wonder:

Why do we keep going back when we know better?

We’re aware they’re playing with our minds. We know they’re not good for us. So what unseen force keeps pulling us back like a boomerang?

While past wounds and familiar emotional patterns play a role, the most powerful force I see keeping us tied to manipulative partners is the fantasy.

The Fantasy That Keeps Us Hooked

When we’re repeatedly drawn into a toxic relationship, it’s often because the fantasy offers an escape from the painful reality we’re experiencing.

Here’s how it works:

If we’re feeling depressed, anxious, numb, or hopeless, the highs of a toxic relationship can feel like a drug.
The moments of euphoria when we reconnect with a manipulative partner distract us from the emotional pain we’re carrying.

Why We’re Drawn to Toxic Relationships When We’re Suffering

Toxic relationships offer a rollercoaster of highs and lows. The good moments become addictive because they provide temporary relief from our inner struggles.

What This Looks Like:

A partner tells us things like, “You’re so important to me” or “I’ll never treat you like that again.”
Even if their actions don’t match their words, we cling to the fantasy because it’s easier than facing our painful reality.
We believe their promises because the alternative—sitting with our own hurt—feels unbearable.

The Truth:
The more we rely on the fantasy to distract us, the harder it becomes to break free. The relationship becomes a way to avoid being with ourselves and truly healing.

Underlying Forces That Keep Us Stuck

Beyond the fantasy, there are deeper forces that contribute to this cycle:

1️⃣ Unhealed Past Wounds:
We may be subconsciously trying to resolve old emotional wounds by staying in relationships that mirror the dynamics we experienced in childhood.

2️⃣ Familiarity Feels Safe:
If we grew up with manipulative caregivers, the emotional highs and lows of a toxic relationship can feel familiar—even if they’re painful.

3️⃣ Addiction to the Highs:
The emotional intensity of manipulative relationships can create a chemical addiction in the brain, making it harder to walk away.

How to Break Free From Manipulative Partners

Breaking free from a manipulative partner isn’t just about leaving the relationship—it’s about healing the underlying pain that keeps the addictive pull alive.

Steps to Take:

1️⃣ Recognize the Pattern:
Acknowledge how the fantasy and the cycle of highs and lows have kept you tied to the relationship.

2️⃣ Heal the Underlying Pain:
Address the hurt, fear, and unresolved wounds that the relationship distracts you from.

3️⃣ Focus on Your Well-Being:
Shift your energy toward building a life that feels fulfilling and peaceful outside of the relationship.

4️⃣ Seek Support:
Healing from a manipulative relationship can be challenging to navigate alone. Support from a professional can help you break free and rebuild your self-worth.

The Path to Healthy Love

If this post resonates with you, know that healing is possible. You can find the kind of love that lifts you up and excites you—without the rollercoaster of manipulation and emotional turmoil.

In my 1:1 sessions, we dive into the subconscious to: