The Blind Spot That Keeps Us Stuck in Toxic Relationships: Mistaking Longing for Real Love

If you had emotionally unavailable, neglectful, or abusive caregivers, you may have become deeply familiar with the emotion of longing—pining for the attention of someone who rarely or inconsistently gives it.

When that parent occasionally came around and finally gave you some of the attention you were yearning for, it likely felt euphoric. The emotional high was unlike anything else, and that feeling became embedded in your nervous system as love.

But here’s the thing—longing is not real love.

Longing Feels More Intense Than Real Love

Because longing is tied to deep emotional wounds, it can feel powerful and consuming, making it easy to mistake it for chemistry. Real love, on the other hand, is calm, peaceful, and secure.

If love has always felt like longing, then when someone who is unavailable enters your life, it will trigger that old, familiar feeling. The pull toward them may feel “right” simply because it’s what you’ve always known.

This is why many of us mistake longing for love. We associate it with the intensity of “the spark” and feel drawn to those who make us chase affection.

But here’s the hard truth:
Longing isn’t a sign of real connection—it’s a sign of emotional deprivation.

And if we only associate that longing feeling with love, we will continue to be drawn into toxic relationships over and over again.

Longing Leaves You Heartbroken

This was the story of my love life—until I broke the cycle.

For years, I believed that the euphoria of intermittent attention was love. Because I was used to unpredictable affection in childhood, when I met emotionally unavailable partners as an adult, it felt “right.”

The “spark” I used to chase was actually just a combination of euphoria, longing, and attraction—not true connection.

And even though I had moments of feeling special and wanted, the relationships always ended the same way: I felt lonely, heartbroken, and emotionally drained.

Because it wasn’t real love.

Breaking Free From the Longing Cycle

After my divorce in 2018, I made a promise to myself:
I would figure out what real love was and never settle for anything less.

It wasn’t easy. Letting go of longing meant grieving the past.

I had to sit with all the pain from not being fully loved in the way I needed as a child. Underneath my patterns of longing was a wound that needed healing.

But once I moved through that grief and reclaimed my self-worth, something shifted.

Suddenly, real, healthy love became far more appealing than the emotional highs of longing.

Today, I write to you from a loving, reciprocal relationship—one that doesn’t feel as emotionally intense as longing, but is so much more fulfilling to my soul.

You Can Have Real Love, Too

If you’ve ever mistaken longing for love, you’re not alone. It’s a pattern deeply wired into your nervous system—but it’s also one you can break free from.

That’s why I wrote The Ultimate Guide to Real Love: 20 Things You Need to Know—an Ebook sharing everything I’ve learned about love on my healing journey.

So you, too, can break the cycle of toxic relationships and find the kind of love you’ve always dreamed of—consistent, safe, and real.

Tap the button below to get a free copy!