Anxious and Avoidant Attachment Isn’t Just About Fear of Intimacy—It’s About the Need to Feel in Control of Love

We often hear that anxious people chase love because they fear abandonment, while avoidant people pull away because they fear intimacy.

And this is absolutely true—those with an anxious attachment style often experience a deep fear of being alone, while avoidant partners fear the vulnerability that comes with emotional closeness.

But underneath these fears, there’s something even deeper happening in the subconscious…

Both anxious and avoidant partners are trying to control emotional vulnerability—just in opposite ways.

Let’s explore how this hidden need for control shapes relationships and keeps both partners stuck in unhealthy cycles.

For the Anxious Partner, Pursuing = Control

People with anxious attachment often feel an overwhelming need to keep their partner close.

How This Looks in Relationships:
✔️ Constantly reaching out, texting, or calling to feel secure.
✔️ Overthinking the relationship, analyzing every interaction.
✔️ Trying to “fix” the relationship by meeting all their partner’s needs.

What’s Happening Beneath the Surface:

• “If I try hard enough, I can keep them close.”

• “If I meet all their needs, they won’t leave.”

For the anxious partner, pursuit provides a sense of control. It feels safer than sitting with the discomfort of emotional uncertainty.

For the Avoidant Partner, Withdrawing = Control

People with avoidant attachment manage their fear of intimacy by creating distance.

How This Looks in Relationships:
✔️ Pulling away after a period of closeness.
✔️ Avoiding emotional conversations.
✔️ Preferring independence over relying on a partner.

What’s Happening Beneath the Surface:

• “If I keep space, I won’t get hurt.”

• “If I don’t rely on anyone, I can’t be disappointed.”

For the avoidant partner, emotional distance is a way to maintain control and avoid the vulnerability of true connection.

The Irony? Both Feel Out of Control.

👉 The anxious partner feels out of control because their efforts to create security don’t seem to work.
👉 The avoidant partner feels out of control because emotional connection sneaks in, no matter how much they try to avoid it.

This is why the anxious-avoidant dynamic can feel like an endless tug-of-war.

So how do we move toward secure attachment—where love feels safe, mutual, and fulfilling?

How to Stop the Chase-Avoid Cycle and Feel Secure in Love

1️⃣ Recognize That Control Doesn’t Create Safety

• Whether you’re anxiously chasing or withdrawing to protect yourself, these strategies don’t lead to real security.

• The key is shifting from control to trust—trusting yourself, your emotions, and your ability to navigate relationships.

2️⃣ Rewire Deep Emotional Patterns

• The patterns that keep us stuck in anxious or avoidant attachment are rooted in subconscious fears.

• Healing these patterns allows you to move toward relationships that feel secure and fulfilling.

3️⃣ Reconnect With Your Inner Sense of Worth

• True security in love starts with believing you are already worthy of connection—without having to chase or push away love.

How Energy Healing Can Help

✨ My 1:1 energy healing sessions are designed to help you:

✔️ Release the emotional patterns that make control feel like the only way to stay safe.

✔️ Rewire subconscious beliefs that keep you stuck in the chase-avoid cycle.

✔️ Reconnect with the part of you that already knows how to feel secure, worthy, and deeply loved—without having to fight for it.

You don’t have to keep chasing, proving, or protecting yourself just to feel worthy of love.

And you don’t have to settle for relationships that feel like an emotional tug-of-war.

Ready to Break Free From These Patterns and Experience Real Love?

If you’re ready to heal anxious or avoidant attachment and create secure, healthy relationships, I can help.

Tap the button below to schedule a free consultation call.

It’s time to let go of control and open yourself to the love you truly deserve.