Is It High Standards or Are We Afraid of Intimacy?

Feb 8

Image of a woman on a beach, representing deep self-reflection on relationship patterns.

We all want a partner who meets our needs and embodies the qualities we desire. There’s nothing wrong with having high standards.

But sometimes, what feels like “high expectations” is actually a subconscious fear of letting someone get too close.

So how do we know if we’re upholding healthy standards—or if we’re using impossibly high expectations as a defense mechanism?

Let’s break it down.

How Fear of Intimacy Can Disguise Itself as High Expectations

When fear of intimacy is at play, we may:

✔️ Focus on minor flaws instead of appreciating what’s going right.
Example: "They don’t load the dishwasher the way I like—how can I trust them with the big things?"

✔️ Set impossible standards before allowing ourselves to feel safe in the relationship.
Example: "If they were just a little more ambitious, confident, or romantic, then I’d feel like this could work."

✔️ Constantly second-guess the relationship, even when it’s healthy and fulfilling.
Example: "Maybe there’s someone better out there who checks all my boxes."

✔️ Hyper-focus on lifestyle compatibility instead of emotional connection.
Example: "We don’t like the same music, so I don’t think this can work," when the real issue is discomfort with emotional closeness.

✔️ Hold onto an unrealistic vision of the “perfect” relationship and see anything less as a dealbreaker.
Example: "If this relationship was meant to be, it wouldn’t take this much work."

If any of these resonate, the question isn’t about whether our standards are too high—it’s about whether fear of intimacy is shaping our expectations.

What’s Happening Beneath the Surface?

Here’s why fear of intimacy can trick us into believing we just “haven’t found the right person yet.”

1️⃣ Keeping Our Heart Guarded Feels Safer

If someone doesn’t meet our high expectations, we don’t have to open up emotionally.

This provides a subconscious sense of control:

“If I keep my guard up, I won’t get hurt.”
“If I find the perfect partner, I won’t have to risk vulnerability.”

2️⃣ Perfection Becomes a Shield

We might tell ourselves, “I’ll feel safe to love when they’re perfect.”

But the reality?

No one is perfect.
Perfectionism is often a defense mechanism against the pain of rejection or loss.

3️⃣ Our Wounds Are Talking

If we’ve been hurt before, our subconscious may try to protect us by highlighting flaws.

It’s our inner protector saying:

“If I don’t let them in, they can’t hurt me.”
“If I focus on their shortcomings, I won’t get too attached.”

But true connection isn’t about perfection—it’s about trust, vulnerability, and the willingness to be seen, even when it’s scary.

How to Open Up to Real Love

If fear of intimacy has been shaping your dating experiences, you’re not alone—and you don’t have to stay stuck in these patterns.

✨ Energy Healing Can Help You:

✔️ Uncover and release subconscious fears of intimacy.

✔️ Clear the perfectionistic patterns keeping love at a distance.

✔️ Reconnect with your ability to feel safe, open, and deeply loved.

When we heal the deeper wounds that drive fear of connection, we stop chasing an impossible standard and start embracing the love that’s truly meant for us.