Why We Choose Emotionally Unavailable Partners and How to Choose Healthy Love

If you’ve found yourself in the aftermath of a relationship with an emotionally unavailable partner, you may be asking yourself, “How did I get here?”

You might wonder if you somehow attracted this person into your life and what you can do differently so you don’t end up in the same situation again. After all, leaving a relationship with an emotionally unavailable partner can leave you feeling hurt, confused, and at the mercy of forces beyond your control.

Relationships with emotionally unavailable partners can be incredibly painful.

But here’s the key: I use the word “choose” unavailable partners, not “attract,” for a reason. While it’s true that we may feel attracted to certain dynamics, we also have the power to make different choices and change our relationship patterns. If we become aware of why we’re choosing emotionally unavailable partners, we can take our power back and control our own relationship destiny.

So, why do we choose these kinds of partners who leave us feeling lonely, hurt, and disconnected? Let’s explore some of the most common reasons.

1. Familiarity with Emotionally Unavailable Partners

Our brains are wired to be drawn toward what’s familiar, even when it’s not good for us. If we grew up emotionally neglected, or if our caregivers were emotionally unavailable, we’re likely to find ourselves unconsciously attracted to those same feelings in our adult relationships.

Until we become aware of this pattern and decide to choose differently, we may find ourselves repeating it with partners who mirror the emotional unavailability we experienced in childhood. This isn’t a matter of fate—it’s a pattern we can break once we become conscious of it.

2. Low Self-Worth

Low self-worth is another powerful factor in choosing emotionally unavailable partners. When we don’t believe we deserve a loving, available partner, we may choose those who are emotionally distant because, unconsciously, it feels safer.

People with low self-worth often fall into the trap of believing that they can fix or heal their partner in order to make them more loving or present. Unfortunately, this rarely works and usually leads to further disappointment and heartache.

3. Fear of Being Alone

The fear of being alone or single can push us into relationships with emotionally unavailable partners. If we’re terrified of being on our own or think we’ll never find love, we may settle for someone who isn’t fully present or invested in the relationship.

This fear of loneliness often overrides our better judgment, leading us into relationships that don’t fulfill us emotionally or provide the connection we truly need.

4. Intimacy Fears

For many people, choosing emotionally unavailable partners is a way to avoid intimacy. If being close to someone has led to betrayal, heartbreak, or trauma in the past, we may seek out partners who we know, deep down, will never get too close. This way, we protect ourselves from vulnerability, which we fear may bring pain again.

While this might feel safer in the short term, it prevents us from experiencing the deep connection and intimacy that come with a truly healthy relationship.

5. The Repetition Compulsion

This is a psychological concept where we unconsciously try to recreate and resolve past traumas. If we had unavailable caregivers in our past who hurt us, we may choose unavailable partners in an attempt to make peace with those unresolved feelings. The idea is that, if we can somehow make an unavailable partner love us, it will heal our emotional wounds from the past.

Sadly, this rarely works out as we hope. Instead, it often leaves us feeling more wounded and disappointed, reinforcing the pain we sought to heal.

How to Choose Healthy Love

If emotional unavailability has been a recurring theme in your relationships, you might wonder how to break free and start choosing healthy, available partners. The journey begins with awareness.

The first step is understanding that if you’re drawn to unavailable partners, it’s important to examine your own availability for intimacy and connection. Are you unconsciously avoiding the vulnerability required for a healthy relationship? It’s okay if you’re unsure. Simply asking the question and being open to insights is a powerful first step.

Once you’re aware of these patterns, the next step is working to shift them. This is where healing comes in.

Energy Healing for Healthy Relationships

One of the most effective ways I’ve found to help myself and my clients move from choosing unavailable, narcissistic partners to real love is through energy healing. By releasing the emotional energies, cords, subconscious blocks, and negative beliefs that make it hard to choose available partners, you can open yourself up to healthy love.

Energy healing allows you to let go of the emotional baggage keeping you stuck in unhealthy patterns and creates space for safe, loving relationships. If you’re ready to break the cycle of emotionally unavailable partners and choose real love, I can help.

Visit the link in my bio and tap “1:1 sessions” to learn more and schedule a free consultation. Together, we can work on releasing the blocks that are holding you back from the love you deserve.