Why We Blame Ourselves for Someone Else’s Emotional Unavailability

If you’ve been in a relationship with someone emotionally unavailable—or are still in one—you might consciously know that their unavailability isn’t your fault. Yet, there’s still a persistent voice in your head whispering thoughts like:

We don’t have the power to make someone open up.

• “If I had been more patient, they would’ve opened up to me.”

• “Maybe I was too needy or demanding, and that pushed them away.”

• “I should’ve been better at making them feel safe.”

• “If I were more lovable, they would’ve let me in.”

• “Maybe I wasn’t important enough for them to open up.”

No matter how much you’ve read or how many times your friends reassure you, it still feels like their emotional unavailability was somehow your fault.

So why does this happen? Why do we blame ourselves for someone else’s behavior, and how do we break free from this cycle of self-blame?

Why We Blame Ourselves for Their Emotional Unavailability

1. We Were Raised to Be “Fixers”
   If you grew up in an environment where you were expected to care for others emotionally, you might have developed a habit of over-giving. This behavior can become a core part of your identity, making you feel loved or valuable only when you’re helping or “fixing” others.

2. We’re Empaths Who Sense Their Pain
   For those of us who are deeply empathic, it can feel like we’re absorbing the emotional pain of those around us. Naturally, we want to relieve that pain. When we can’t, it’s easy to turn the blame inward and feel like we’ve failed them.

3. They Deflected or Avoided Accountability
   Emotionally unavailable people often deflect responsibility or blame others for the lack of connection. Over time, this behavior can cause you to internalize their narrative, leading to self-blame for something that was never your fault.

4. Society Glorifies Over-Giving
   The idea that “love conquers all” is a societal mantra that pressures us to believe we should be able to love someone enough to “fix” them. This unrealistic expectation can make you feel like you didn’t try hard enough or love them enough to break through their walls—even when the relationship was completely one-sided.

5. We’re Searching for Control in Chaos
   Blaming ourselves can feel easier than accepting that someone else’s behavior is beyond our control. Self-blame can create the illusion of control, even when the reality is that their emotional unavailability was never something you could change.

6. We Have Unresolved Wounds
   If you’ve struggled with feelings of unworthiness in past relationships, it’s easy to fall into a dynamic that reinforces that narrative. The belief that you’re “not enough” can make self-blame feel like a familiar and automatic response.

How to Break Free from Self-Blame

To move past self-blame, it’s important to shift your perspective and remind yourself of these key truths:

Their Emotional Unavailability Is Not About You
Their inability to open up was a reflection of their own struggles and choices, not your worth or effort.

You’re Not Responsible for Their Emotional Baggage
Carrying someone else’s emotional weight is not your job. You deserve a relationship where emotional effort is mutual.

Relationships Shouldn’t Be a One-Person Job
Healthy love involves teamwork, where both partners’ needs are seen, valued, and met.

Key Questions to Reflect On

When self-blame creeps in, ask yourself:

• Did their emotional unavailability reflect something I could control, or was it their own choice?

• Was I the one doing most of the emotional work in the relationship?

• Do I deserve a relationship where my emotional needs are consistently valued and met?

The answer to the last question is always yes.

How I Can Help You Move Forward

If this resonates with you, and you’re aware of unresolved wounds from past relationships making it hard to stop blaming yourself, I can help. Through energy healing, we’ll work together to clear the emotional baggage and limiting beliefs keeping you stuck.

This process creates space for the clarity, peace, and self-worth you deserve, helping you embrace love in a healthier, more fulfilling way.

Tap the button below to learn more and schedule a free consultation.