The Real Reason We Don’t Want to Close the Door on an Ex for Good

Saying goodbye to an ex for good can be challenging.

If the thought of blocking your ex or going no-contact leaves you feeling sick to your stomach, you’re not alone. Even when we know deep down that this person isn’t good for us, many of us leave the door open, hoping they might reach out again. But why is it so difficult to cut ties, even with someone who’s caused us pain?

There are layers to this resistance. On one level, closing the door on an ex means confronting uncomfortable emotions like sadness, loneliness, and heartbreak. But on a deeper level, it often comes down to our sense of identity—the beliefs we hold about ourselves that can make it difficult to truly let go.

Why We Resist Saying Goodbye to an Ex

Part of our struggle to go no-contact with an ex stems from the emotional discomfort that comes with saying goodbye. Letting go means facing the finality of the breakup, and it can be overwhelming to imagine a future where they aren’t a part of our lives.

But even beyond this emotional discomfort, something deeper is often at play. We may resist cutting ties because of what moving on would mean for us on a subconscious level. For those who have been in painful or unhealthy relationships, we may carry deep-seated beliefs like “I’m not good enough” or “I’m unlovable.” As painful as it sounds, these beliefs become part of our identity.

How Our Subconscious Holds Us Back

When we leave the door open for an ex, it often isn’t about hoping they’ll change. It’s about preserving a familiar, if painful, sense of self. If you’ve experienced toxic or emotionally challenging relationships, there’s a chance you may identify with beliefs of unworthiness or fear of abandonment. Moving on can feel incredibly scary because it challenges these subconscious beliefs.

In psychology, this is known as cognitive dissonance. When we take steps toward a healthier future—such as blocking an ex or putting up boundaries—it clashes with our negative self-beliefs. And the subconscious doesn’t handle dissonance well. To protect you from this “identity crisis,” it throws up feelings of fear, making the idea of truly closing the door seem even more terrifying.

Why “No Contact” Can Feel So Scary

Letting go of an ex for good challenges those old beliefs about who we are. If we were to truly move on, put up boundaries, and perhaps even start healing and opening up to healthier relationships, we’d be stepping into a new version of ourselves—one who feels worthy of love and respect. But if your subconscious believes you’re “not enough,” it will resist this new identity, creating fear and anxiety around closing that door.

Steps to Move On for Good

So, how do you take that final step of moving on when every part of you wants to hold back? The answer lies in shifting your beliefs.

1. Identify and Challenge Negative Beliefs

• Recognize any limiting beliefs you may hold about yourself. Are you clinging to the idea that you’re “unlovable” or “not good enough”? Once you identify these beliefs, challenge them. Remind yourself that these beliefs were shaped by past experiences and don’t define your worth.

2. Shift Your Identity

• Start embracing an identity that aligns with the person you want to become. Imagine yourself as someone who deserves a loving, healthy relationship. This shift in identity can gradually make moving on feel less threatening and more empowering.

3. Seek Support

• Breaking these deep-seated patterns and beliefs can be challenging. Consider seeking support from a therapist, coach, or healer who can help you identify and release the beliefs holding you back.

Reclaiming Empowerment Through “No Contact”

When we address these deep-rooted beliefs and allow ourselves to heal, the act of going no-contact can transform from a source of fear into one of empowerment. Saying goodbye to an ex isn’t just about closing the door; it’s about stepping into a new version of yourself—one that feels strong, worthy, and ready for healthier connections.

If you’re ready to take that step but feel stuck, I’m here to help. I work with clients to uncover and shift limiting beliefs so they can release past relationships and step confidently into a healthier future. Tap the button below to schedule a free consultation.